Friday, January 28, 2011

He's calling.

you know 
and i know 
that i have mentioned the 
more than once on this little blog. 
but i must mention it again.

every single day, 
this devotional has spoken directly to me.
to me.
i don't know if it is speaking as clearly 
to anyone else going through it, 
but it is as though it is written for me. 
just for me.

every day, 
i am met with exactly what i need to hear
to draw me closer to Him. 

to be in His presence more.
to let go of everything else.

with Jesus Calling, 
it's kind of like Jesus is writing love notes.
to me.

although, i do have to admit that 
for the first time, 
two days in a row, 
i read an entry and didn't feel like He was speaking to me.
but, it turns out that i had accidentally skipped ahead to february.
problem solved.

706. Jesus Calling
707. returning to CBS after not going for two weeks 
708. sleeping for nine hours (thanks to B)
709. worshiping at church last sunday
710. breakfast out

Thursday, January 27, 2011

not a one.

was a much better day than
the day and
the week and
the weeks

there weren't any tears.
not a one.
it was extremely cathartic for me to write my post yesterday
and today, i feel better.

it is a constant struggle for me to be here.
but it is a struggle i am not willing to give into. 

and if you'll notice in this series of photos, that bookshelf is looking much better.
don't get me wrong, 
it is bound to become a mess again soon, 
but for the moment, 
it is doing okay.

701. bike rides at 5pm in shorts and t-shirts
702. picnics that are filled with running around
703. a great OT session for L
704. L sleeping through the night
705. feeling (somewhat) rested

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

picture me {im}perfectly.

i have something to share.
because i want to make sure that you
picture me {im}perfectly.

just like this bookshelf, 
i am a mess.

i have had a couple of rough weeks.
in fact, i have had more breakdowns
in the last few weeks than i have in a
long, long time.
and they have been the kind of breakdowns
that leave you tearful throughout the day
and given long enough to have 
only one thought 
running through your mind at one time, 
tears come flowing.
no matter if you are 
at the grocery store, 
washing your face, 
changing a diaper, 
doing the dishes or 
reading a book to your children. 

i've been worn out.
really worn out.
"i can't go on like this"
worn out.

when i have less sleep, 
i then feel 
vulnerable and 
anxious and 
not hungry and 
then this becomes a vicious cycle 
filled with
worry and 
fear and 

i know that a lot of it has been due to my lack of sleep.
but it's also my weakness coming out.

we have had a couple of hard doctor's appointments as of late and
i am usually able to translate what the doctors have to say about L 
into the hope and encouragement that God provides
but sometimes, 
particularly when i am worn down, 
it is hard for me.
i am just too tired to translate.
and so i dwell.
and i sink
and i get stuck
and then
i think about the future.

a few months ago, i heard an incredible sermon that addressed just this. 
the pastor said,
"doubt your doubts. 
be absolutely assured in His love.
because if we have despair, we see the end."
which we don't.
because we can't.
and i praise God for that.
because none of us know what is going to happen.
at any given moment.
and that to me, 
is a wonderful, 
wonderful thing.

a friend recently said, 
that having children 
(special needs or not) 
is like having your heart outside of your body.
isn't that a perfect description?
just perfect.

so when i think about the future, 
i get stuck in the specialists' world 
instead of being firmly planted in my world 
of hope and joy in Christ.
the kind of joy that can only come from Him.

i am going through a grieving pricess.
one that i haven't gone through 
since hearing about L's diagnosis
on day two of his birth.

but all of these feelings have stemmed from selfishness.
complete and total selfishness

i'm being 
stretched and 
challenged and 
changed by God.
and i am so grateful for that.
really, i am. 
and you know what else?
it's not about me.
it's about Him. 

the truth is, 
i am so grateful to God for all that we are going through.
though sometimes, 
when i consider what we are currently going through, 
i melt down.
my thoughts become so ovewrwhelming.
too overwhelming
to handle on my own.
and that's because 
is not His intended purpose.
i can't do this.
not on my own.
it's just not possible.
but with Jesus by my side, 
i know that i can handle whatever is thrown at me 
(literally and figuratively)
and glorify Him in the process.

i want Him to be my everything.

pour out your heart to God. 
trust Him today. 
He shows His promise and His truth. 
(i think Charles Wesley said that)

We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, 
so that our ministry will not be discredited. 
Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way:
in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;
in beatings, imprisonments and riots;
in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger;
in purity, understanding, patience and kindness;
in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;
in truthful speech and in the power of God;
with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left;
through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report;
genuine, yet regarded as impostors;
known, yet regarded as unknown;
dying, and yet we live on;
beaten, and yet not killed;
sorrowful, yet always rejoicing;
poor, yet making many rich;
having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
2 Corinthians 6:3-10

picture me {im}perfectly
is a weekly project to reveal that we don't have it all together.

i will post a 
picture me {im}perfectly
blog post every wednesday 
where you will be able to link up to your blog
(or leave a comment)
until the following tuesday.
revealing that:

you are not picture perfect,
your kids are not picture perfect,
your house is not picture perfect,
your crafts are not always picture perfect,

inspire and 
other women 
that none of us have it all together.  

add my button to your blog post
and link up to your direct posting
and feel encouraged.

696. L (finally) sleeping enough during the day (thanks to my parents)
697. B, who completely, utterly and totally gets me
698. the moon shine
699. B's bedtime story for the bigs every single night
700. being comforted by Scripture in the middle of the night

Monday, January 24, 2011

a winter fall.

yes, i know that we are nearing the end of january.
and yes, i know that is is quite cold in other parts of the country.

but our leaves are changing and falling here.
and oh, is it ever glorious!

the kids and i headed to a park where we found
brownish-yellow leaves dancing all around us
as we enjoyed a picnic in the sunshine.

(please, please don't hate me,
all of you who haven't seen the sun in weeks.)
quite possibly one of my most favorite photos.

falling leaves and sundresses.
what could be better?

well, maybe
D's fake smile.

or this sweet little guy, enjoying his yogurt.


691. afternoons filled with naps and football
692. going out to brunch for birthday celebrations
693. most of a day just to myself
694. my favorite quilt
695. chocolate covered raisins

Friday, January 21, 2011


i wasn't sure if i was going to do this or not, 
for fear that i was already spreading myself too thinly 
(like normal)
on just this twenty first day of january.
but then, while i was resting in Him,
in a brief whisper from Him, 
i knew that i needed to focus on a word for this year
and i knew what this word was going to be.


i really struggle with being here.
i long to be here.
not here a couple of moments ago
or in a couple of moments when i reflect on my time being here.
but simply here.
right here.
right now.

my children constantly show me what it is like to simply
be here. 

686. resting in His Presence
687. the beautiful bright red pomegranates on my neighbor's tree
688. one word
689. L continually doing touchdown
690. free babysitters

Thursday, January 20, 2011

we've finished.

it's {embrace} the camera day!

we have finished book one of the Narnia series.
it took us five days.
this is a record people, 
as i never have time to read books.
chapter books.
but, i suppose that it helps that i am reading to D 
and that K is just as happy as a clam 
entertaining herself while the big guy and i snuggle up. 
and you better believe we've already started book number two.

and yes, i always coordinate my outfit
with D's
and of course, with the lampshade.

The light shines in the darkness, 
but the darkness has not understood it.
John 1:5

and be sure to check out yesterday's post!

681. hearing the funny things my kids say
682. that K can turn on lights by herself
683. that K can go to the bathroom by herself
684. that K can entertain herself
685. feeling that i'm firmly in His hands

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

picture me {im}perfectly.

i want you to do something.
i want you to
picture me {im}perfectly.
because you know what?
i am not perfect.
not even close.

have you ever?
yes you have. 
have you ever read a blog post 
where you just knew that the lovely woman 
who authored that blog had it all together?
and even though we know 
in the way, way back of our heads 
that they aren't perfect, 
we still sometimes convince ourselves
that they would never, ever have:

laundry that has been sitting on their couch for three days
waiting to be folded and put away or
a floor that desperately needs to be mopped or
dishes that just sit and sit and sit in the sink or 
children who throw fits or
a craft that went completely awry.

so many bloggers seem to have it all together. 
but we really know that none of us do.
and you know what? 
that's okay.
that's more than okay. 
that's real life.

because no matter how prepared, 
no matter how organized we are, 
no matter how much planning we have done, 

no matter how thoughtful we try to be, 
sometimes things just fall apart and
sometimes we just fall apart.
and i think that we need the 
regular reminder that 
that happens to everybody. 

picture me {im}perfectly
is a weekly project to reveal that we don't have it all together.

i will post a 

picture me {im}perfectly
blog post every wednesday 
where you will be able to link up to your blog
revealing that:

you are not picture perfect,
your kids are not picture perfect,
your house is not picture perfect,
your crafts are not always picture perfect,

inspire and 
other women 
that none of us have it all together.  

But encourage one another daily, 
as long as it is called “Today,” 
so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 
Hebrews 3:13

for instance, D was so responsible to use the bathroom 
before his Christmas performance at CBS 
but not as responsible in making sure that his pants were buttoned.
he sure sang his heart out though!

here are some other awesome examples:

my sister reminded me that:
there's beauty in the mess ups and the messiness of life.
there's joy in happy accidents and what develops out of them.
there's freedom from the wordly pressure of "having it all together."

and, Auntie B reminded me that
women face great (and often unmet) expectations 
and most of them are self-inflicted.  

i have had a rather difficult time since L's seizure.
and this past week has been particularly hard. 
i will write more about it next wednesday 
so that you are sure to picture me {im}perfectly. 

676. new projects
677. the super cute button my sis created
678. D heading back to school
679. a fun day at the park
680. tired kiddos who fall asleep easily

add my button to your blog post 
and link up to your direct posting
and feel encouraged.

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