Wednesday, January 26, 2011

picture me {im}perfectly.

i have something to share.
because i want to make sure that you
picture me {im}perfectly.

just like this bookshelf, 
i am a mess.

i have had a couple of rough weeks.
in fact, i have had more breakdowns
in the last few weeks than i have in a
long, long time.
and they have been the kind of breakdowns
that leave you tearful throughout the day
and given long enough to have 
only one thought 
running through your mind at one time, 
tears come flowing.
no matter if you are 
at the grocery store, 
washing your face, 
changing a diaper, 
doing the dishes or 
reading a book to your children. 

i've been worn out.
really worn out.
"i can't go on like this"
worn out.

when i have less sleep, 
i then feel 
vulnerable and 
anxious and 
not hungry and 
then this becomes a vicious cycle 
filled with
worry and 
fear and 

i know that a lot of it has been due to my lack of sleep.
but it's also my weakness coming out.

we have had a couple of hard doctor's appointments as of late and
i am usually able to translate what the doctors have to say about L 
into the hope and encouragement that God provides
but sometimes, 
particularly when i am worn down, 
it is hard for me.
i am just too tired to translate.
and so i dwell.
and i sink
and i get stuck
and then
i think about the future.

a few months ago, i heard an incredible sermon that addressed just this. 
the pastor said,
"doubt your doubts. 
be absolutely assured in His love.
because if we have despair, we see the end."
which we don't.
because we can't.
and i praise God for that.
because none of us know what is going to happen.
at any given moment.
and that to me, 
is a wonderful, 
wonderful thing.

a friend recently said, 
that having children 
(special needs or not) 
is like having your heart outside of your body.
isn't that a perfect description?
just perfect.

so when i think about the future, 
i get stuck in the specialists' world 
instead of being firmly planted in my world 
of hope and joy in Christ.
the kind of joy that can only come from Him.

i am going through a grieving pricess.
one that i haven't gone through 
since hearing about L's diagnosis
on day two of his birth.

but all of these feelings have stemmed from selfishness.
complete and total selfishness

i'm being 
stretched and 
challenged and 
changed by God.
and i am so grateful for that.
really, i am. 
and you know what else?
it's not about me.
it's about Him. 

the truth is, 
i am so grateful to God for all that we are going through.
though sometimes, 
when i consider what we are currently going through, 
i melt down.
my thoughts become so ovewrwhelming.
too overwhelming
to handle on my own.
and that's because 
is not His intended purpose.
i can't do this.
not on my own.
it's just not possible.
but with Jesus by my side, 
i know that i can handle whatever is thrown at me 
(literally and figuratively)
and glorify Him in the process.

i want Him to be my everything.

pour out your heart to God. 
trust Him today. 
He shows His promise and His truth. 
(i think Charles Wesley said that)

We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, 
so that our ministry will not be discredited. 
Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way:
in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;
in beatings, imprisonments and riots;
in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger;
in purity, understanding, patience and kindness;
in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;
in truthful speech and in the power of God;
with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left;
through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report;
genuine, yet regarded as impostors;
known, yet regarded as unknown;
dying, and yet we live on;
beaten, and yet not killed;
sorrowful, yet always rejoicing;
poor, yet making many rich;
having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
2 Corinthians 6:3-10

picture me {im}perfectly
is a weekly project to reveal that we don't have it all together.

i will post a 
picture me {im}perfectly
blog post every wednesday 
where you will be able to link up to your blog
(or leave a comment)
until the following tuesday.
revealing that:

you are not picture perfect,
your kids are not picture perfect,
your house is not picture perfect,
your crafts are not always picture perfect,

inspire and 
other women 
that none of us have it all together.  

add my button to your blog post
and link up to your direct posting
and feel encouraged.

696. L (finally) sleeping enough during the day (thanks to my parents)
697. B, who completely, utterly and totally gets me
698. the moon shine
699. B's bedtime story for the bigs every single night
700. being comforted by Scripture in the middle of the night

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